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06 December 2010 @ 12:46 pm
Well, no one comes here anymore so - perfect place for me to let it all out.

So, I donated some blood today & ended up fainting. My nose was bleeding from hitting the ground. But, I'm fine now, of course. To make matters even better, no one was home so I had to call my brother and he had to come from work to pick me up. He was nice about it. Even "wasted" a couple of dollars on food I wasn't about to eat.

Anyway, that's all away from the real point.

I feel like I can't tell anyone my feelings anymore. I need to start carrying a diary again. If I ever tell my own, personal, secretive feelings to anyone they take it the wrong way. Its my feelings I'm letting out. But all these things that I bottle up, now they're scared to ever be revealed to any one human.

I don't feel like I belong in this world. I'm not supposed to be here. I don't fit into anything. Everyone has their groups of friends, and I'm left all alone. No one understands what I say, almost like I'm speaking a different language at times. I've been misunderstood so many times that it just hurts now...

I don't know what I'm living for anymore. I don't know why I'm really living at all. I don't have a purpose here, I don't have a family that even considers me to belong. I'm just so odd... Its times like these where I wish I could just die, go to God, live up there. Strangely enough, I still have faith in Him. I feel like He's the only one that knows. About all the nights I've cried. All the tears I've hidden... 

I just wish there was someone that I could belong to. Someone that would give me just as much importance as I give to them.
Current Location: My bedrom
Current Mood: depressed</3
Current Music: Fireworks - Katy Perry
05 October 2009 @ 04:28 pm
I'm trying so hard to fix my habits of being lazy. Whenever I get home I tell myself "I will do my hw today" but I end up not doing it. :| I need someone to push me to do it. MOMMY! I miss you. :( She used to nag at me all night, asking me every minute "did you do your hw" and I'd nod, obviously lying and she'd smack my back then take out my headphones and be like "this is hw?" lol. Gosh, i miss the weirdest things about my mom.

I miss a lot of things... so many things have changed over time. I wish I could back so many times though. But then I think whatever's changed has changed for the better too. I wanna keep some things, and go back to some things. *sigh* I wish you could everything you wanted in life. Life would be so awesome then, no? 

But then my mom says if you already have all you want in life, then there's no reason in living anymore. She also says that whatever has to happen must happen. So you shouldn't rush for something to happen, and let it happen on its pace. Or that you shouldn't be afraid of something coming up.

Anyone thats seen my intellctual side (yes, I have one :P my friends are so surprised when I say I like to read, lmao), every wise thing that steps from my mouth is all the lectures I've gotten from my mom. Its really weird how as much as I try to take her talking in from one ear and out the other, her words stick in my brain the most. The whole time she's been gone, I've been realizing everyday how much she means to me. You really don't know how much you love someone until you have to live without them for a while.

Current Location: living room
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: you and me - lifehouse
03 October 2009 @ 09:36 am
Gosh, school takes up all my time. Not to mention my friends keep hogging my time. I think they're with me like 24/7! Its so bad, they made me a facebook... forcefully. :| I am going to be peer-pressured one day.

The best thing about school, though, has to be the guys. :"> Its the reason I refused to go to an all-girls school when my mom tried signing me up because she thoughtwas getting out of hand. I'm still trying to figure out which guy I should crush on, lmao. The first guy is in my med. class (oh shit, both of them are in my med. class! *fight over me please!* ahem). His name is Zubir, but Abida keeps telling me its pronounced "Zu-baiiyyyrr". The women has huge issues over how to pronounce Muslim names correctly. :| He's not so hot (shocker!), he's actually quite bad-looking if I have to say so myself. Yet I'm still crushing on him. I guess there's something about him that just attracts me. *sigh* I need to stop looking at other men, I'm already taken. (*sings* bewafa, bewafa, bewafa nikli hai tu... I want Akki to sing that! I won't be bewafa then, proommiiiiseeee)

The other guy's name is Umar, or Omar, I'm really not sure and I for some reason I really don't care anymore. He looks like a terrorist to me now, and he's always wearing those plaid shirts. He's hot though. The rough kinda hot. He has that grimace on his face, and dark eyes... all of it. The way he walks, the way he talks, its like you have to respect him, lol. He's a good Muslim too. Apprantely, he wasn't before. The only thing that ticks me off about him is his attitude. He acts like he's too good for anyone. Atleast Zubir talks to people right! Even if he does ignore moi presence. :(

Important issues I don't want to get into detail of: My dad came back this Sunday with my cry-baby little sister. My mom went to Pakistan. I'm not babysitting anymore. I haven't seen my boyfriend for a week.

Did you ever have that moment, like when your depressed you turn hyper? That was me on Monday, lmao. I was being such an idiot in Gym! It was a really windy day. So I was dancing around with the wind, skipping, flying like an airplane. If you saw me, you would've thought I was high, lol. My friend was like "I don't know you anymore"... she was embarrassed of me! :D My other guy friend still ended up being perverted with me though. Shut up when guys tell you to shut up. Never say "Make me".

This week, I may have cried the most I have ever cried in my life. I don't wanna think about it cuz I might start crying again, rofl. For one, I feel pretty lonely. Like my dad's here now, but my mom isn't... and it kind of puts that realization in your head, that she's not out gone for shopping...

Thursday was my ultimatum. I was bawling, man. Rofl, and I call my sister a cry-baby. But it wasn't because of my mom... This drama, this game, whatever you may call friendship. Its very serious to me. Over small issues, I felt like I lost the most important part of me. I'm such an emotional person, I should be happy I haven't cut myself yet, lmao.

My favorite day of the week, Friday came. In the morning, my eyes were swollen, and guess the best part... it was picture day. :| I always end up looking like a loser on picture day. :(( I get so hyped for it, and I practice in the mirror so many times, but the stupid photogrophers always screw up something! My friend, the one that forced me a facebook, kidnapped me to her house (she is so manipulating me). We had fun though, because we went around the neighborhood asking for jobs, lmao. Don't ask, we're crazy.

Thats all I have to say for now. So ttyl peepz!

Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: better in time - leona lewis
20 September 2009 @ 08:51 am
So I woke up very early today. One, to finish my homework. *ahem* And two, because I felt like writing this. There is like a zero, or whatever's supposed to come before one, like a negative one of something. Which is that I was brutally awaken for Eid. That shouldn't be able to count though, because I wanted to wake up myself. *crosses arms*

The first thing that I was greeted by todays morning was Eid. So I'm hoping, and really just hoping (don't let me jinx myself God, pleeeease don't let me jinx myself), that Eid goes well. For everyone. As a Muslim, we only really get two holidays to celebrate. And this one, Eid ul-Fitr, is my favorite. If you want to look at the selflish reasons of mine for it being my favorite, it would be how much money I get each time. But if you want to look at the deeper side of it... it would be the reward, or the rejoice, of every prayer and every fast I've done for Him.

So I don't have much to say, I just wanted to wish everyone an awesome Eid. *hugs* Eid Mubarak! 


Current Location: my bedroom
Current Mood: calmblissful
Current Music: good girls go bad - cobra starship
05 September 2009 @ 02:46 pm
I put fake nails on yesterday, by a fake fudging friend (FFF). To ever think he was my DBB#1 (Dumb Bee Buddy Number One) once. Actually, you know what, its my fault I trust guys in doing nails. First, some days ago (the day he scared me and made me slit my palm with the knife when I was washing dishes) I made Farid paint my right hand nails because I can't do them by myself... I always screw up. But guess what! He screwed my nails up worse. *hangs head* Now yesterday (when I was supposed to be doing my project) I asked Kamil to put on my fake nails, because I can't put them on straight. He put them on straight, but like 1/3 of the nail was on the skin behind my nail (with instant glue, by the way, instead of the normal nail glue. I dunno who's bright idea that was.) Since they looked pretty, I decided not be prissy about it hurting.

This morning, I woke up to skin around my nails burning up. I took off all the nails, still not finding any relief what-so-ever. Now the all my fingers are like bright, bright red. Farid told me to look at the bright side: "You can flick off Kamil and he won't miss it" totally mocking me. *screams* I hate the people I live with, and the people that sleep over at my house sometimes. What sucks more is, my anger only lasts for like a few minutes and then I'm happy with them again. :\

Forgetting my fingers for a while (not too long though since I'm typing with them.) Yesterday was a pretty fun day too. Kamil got a haircut (school starts Tuesday) and the Asian barber dude totally effed up his hair!! So Kamil just told him to make him bald. I was LMAOing the whole time. I even took a picture of when he messed up. The barber-dude went "oohps" in his Asian accent! 

Thinking of the destruction of Kamils "beautiful" hair really makes me feel better. I would have said Karma's a bitch, but then his hair messed up before my nails did.

Don't laugh, but yesterday, we also set up our own little tents in the basement with blankets&chairs (I used to do that a lot as a kid) and talked about all the random&idiotic stuff at our school. It was the only time I didn't have my phone, and it was the only time Kamil didn't tell me to get off the phone or he'd break it. Too bad he left this morning before I took off my nails. Or he would get to face my wrath. *muaha* Because I know in like 2 minutes I'm going to be hyper again (I'm listening to Gora Gora Rang, it makes me dance.)

I'll shut up now. I have to write a poem on Akki (because he wrote one on me) and I have no clue how I should do it. I'll just write something short, unlike what he did.

(I like talking like this better because even though you don't have to read it, you feel the urge to read it anyway, completely wasting your time on it)


Current Location: living room
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Gora Gora Rang - Imran Khan
02 September 2009 @ 03:26 pm
I just realized, its September. My little brother's birthday is in two days. I bought him a card like weeks ago, so I guess I should put money in it and send it to him?  I kinda miss him, he used to be so chilled out with me. Even though he was a year younger then me, he used to act like he was older. He was getting taller than me. Who knows how tall he is now? I haven't seen him in like two years now. My parents sent him to an Islamic private school in New York. He was apparently getting out of hand, and if we went his way, we'd be going to a private school too. Parents are so mean.

I'm not hungry today! I'm not fasting today. Nor was I yesterday. Or the day before that. Not the day before that though. The day before that, I was a bitch at night, and got Akki mad. But he's coming over today to open the fast with us. *squeals* Well not exactly with us, since I'm not fasting, so with Farid and Vikki. I need ideas, to make up with him. I can't think of anything myself right now. And I have like about 2-3 hours until Farid and Vikki come from work, and maybe Akki will coming with them.

I was thinking of passing the time by doing my project, and I even opened it, I still have it open actually. It's just so hard to stay with it though! I think I should get my internet cut off if I ever want to finish it. I tried a new layout, again, because I was so bored. Its called "Hot 'N' Cold". I like the name, its sexy.

My hand hurts now. :( Yesterday I was washing the dishes, because it was "my turn" and I cut my hand. It wasn't my fault though. I was about to wash the knife, and Farid chose that moment to scare me. So it cut. *pouts* It's not that bad though. Its on my palm, it just hurts when I close my palm. But you know, after that, I didn't have to make chicken nuggets for him. :D I was supposed to make chicken nuggets for him, because he helped me to do my nails. You know that white line your supposed to put on in french manicures? Well, I can never get it straight, and he was the only person around me.

I talk a lot.


Current Location: my bedroom
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Maybe - Jay Sean